Dr. Laura has openly stated that she believes no one should ever divorce except in the case of abuse, affair, or addiction. However, she herself is divorced, the only affair was hers with a career mentor, and there was never any allegation of addiction or violence in her marriage (although I would certainly forgive any man married to this woman for popping her one!) She asserts that 70 percent of divorces don't need to happen -- that most people who are dissatisfied with their marriage just aren't persistent enough, that unhappiness is a temporary condition. What does that say about Dr. Laura herself, that she was divorced after only 2 years? Is she a quitter?

Anyway, enough picking on this woman's private life (entertaining though it may be!) -- back to the topic of divorce. Dr. Laura suggests that the only responsible choice is for parents to stay together for the children. She believes that this parents must be willing to make the ultimate sacrifice (meaning giving up any happiness they might experience with a spouse) for the good of the kids. She even told Larry King that she expected couples who didn't get along to "fake it" for their children.

However, I simply have to disagree. As a former Social Worker, I know the kind of damage that living in a household full of anger and resentment and hatred can cause. Yes, I understand that divorce is difficult on children, especially those too young to really understand the reasons behind the split. It's hard to be shuttled back and forth between households, to adjust to new "step-families," to feel as though the one thing you always trusted has betrayed you. But is it any better to experience the emotional and mental abuse of listening to your parents scream at each other every day? To be reminded every time you turn around that the two people you love most can't stand each other? Rightly or wrongly, parents are the model for a child's future adult romantic relationships -- do you really want your sons and daughters to re-create your dysfunctional marriage in their own lives? And don't you think that kids can sense when parents are "faking" it? What is that teaching the next generation -- that to live disingenuously is somehow heroic? I believe that parents are responsible for teaching their children how to function successfully in the world, and that includes navigating adult relationships in an honest and open manner. If all you teach your kids to do is lie, how are you helping them mature?

The Crux Of The Problem

I surely don't believe in bailing on a marriage at the first sign of strife -- if that were the case, Matt and I wouldn't be crossing the 16-year mark this spring! And I know that kids from "low-conflict" families are generally better off in the long run when their parents work things out, rather than splitting up. But it is entirely ridiculous to suggest that couples who are incapable of reconciliation tough it out, regardless of the consequences. I searched for some statistics, and found an equal number of studies supporting each side. Some prove that children from broken families are happier than they would have been continuing to live in the middle of conflict -- others assert that these kids would have fared better without the divorce. Of course, this is all speculation -- you can ask an adult how he would have reacted if his parents had stayed together, but how can you really know? It's not as if you can put him back in that situation and record the results.

The more salient point here is that couples need to be REALLY certain that their marriage is a keeper before they consider starting a family. An unhappy marriage is going to screw the kids up regardless of whether the couple stays together or divorces -- it's just a matter of degree. And the only way to prevent any permanent scarring is to be judicious about reproduction. Not every couple should be allowed to create a baby, if only for the child's sake. Here's a hint -- when you're already fighting on your way up the aisle, maybe you don't need to rush into parenthood! Of course, I say all of this having come from a family where I often WISHED my parents would get a divorce, and I would have welcomed an end to the tension and fighting -- perhaps I might view the issue differently if they had actually gone to court!