Counting Our Blessings

Now I would never attempt to convince any mom or dad that he or she might have led a happier existence sans children. I sincerely hope that these people are content with their choice, and (as they always say) couldn't even imagine a life without kids. That's why I find it doubly ironic that so many of them seem to want to convert the rest of us to their way of thinking.  The "it's-so-wonderful-to-be-a-parent" speech is often presented either in the tone of an evangelist trying to help a heathen see the light, or as a desperate plea for validation -- neither of which does much to change my mind about our child-free choice! My rant in the other direction is meant in good fun. But if you've got kids and are going to take this the wrong way, don't even bother reading any further!

The motivation behind this list is simple. Matt and I were having a chat with some of our no-kidder friends following one such obnoxiously pronatalist diatribe -- after a few glasses of wine, we got a bit rambunctious about reciting the many reasons why life is glorious without children to weigh us down. And before you start saying that we are being "selfish," I would ask that you examine some of the arguments parents give for WANTING kids (like that idea of having someone to take care of them in their old age isn't selfish!) Allow me to share some of our silliness with you:

• I will never have to change a diaper -- unless it's Matt's at the age of 97.

• We will spend much less on birth control than pregnancy and 18 years of child-rearing.
  

• Our front lawn is tidy -- uncluttered by swing sets, paddling pools, and trampolines.
  

• I will never be labeled a "soccer mom."
  

• We don't have to feel guilty about contributing to the problems of overpopulation.
  

• We never have to rush home in the middle of a fun evening with friends to relieve the babysitter.
  

• We will never have an ugly confrontation with a stranger because our kid is being an ass in public.
  

• We don't have to tolerate a bunch of snooty parents we can't stand in the name of a "play date."
  

• Hiring a pet sitter is much less expensive than a babysitter would be.
  

• We don't have to install "Net Nanny" on our computers.
  

• We have the time and energy to do something other than collapse in front of the TV after work.
  

• We aren't forced to choose between having a career and having kids.
  

• My boobs are going to take a lot longer to start drooping.
  

• Neither of us is likely to throw a red-faced-foot-stomping tantrum in public.
  

• We never have to say the words, "Don't make me turn this car around!"

• We rarely get sick -- much less often than our friends who have kids.

• We can watch any movie or television show without having to censor our tastes.
  

• We are less likely to experience depression (according to the American Sociological Association.)
  

• We get through the security line at the airport much faster.
  

• We enjoy uninterrupted, stress-free quiet time every single day.
  

• We don't have to worry about perverted babysitters, teachers, camp counselors, or Catholic priests.
  

• We can go on rides intended for people taller than 48" in height.
  

• We only have to deal with one doctor's appointment a year.
  

• We can enjoy more fulfilling roles in life than bank teller, maid, cook, and chauffeur for our offspring.
  

• We aren't forced to spend time with twerps we can't stand just because they are our kids' friends.
  

• We can travel 365 days a year if we want to.
  

• Everything in life is cheaper -- groceries, housing, gasoline, clothing, recreation, and insurance.
  

• We get to keep acting silly and having fun, instead of turning into humorless disciplinarians.
  

• We are never put in a situation where we feel compelled to beat a family member in public.
  

• We will never have to turn down a career opportunity because relocating would cause  upheaval.
  

• We spend our weekends broadening our horizons, rather than attending children's birthday parties.
  

• We can enjoy a play, concert, or museum outing without interruption.
  

• We can have fun with other people's kids and then give them back when we're tired of playing.
  

• We don't have to stay up all night on Christmas in order to convince someone that Santa exists.
  

• We can enjoy exercise other than chasing an out-of-control toddler around the grocery store.
  

• We never have to watch Barney, Teletubbies, Spongebob, or any other inane children's TV shows.
  

• We won't ever have to buy a mini-van in order to accommodate a scout troop or Little League team.
  

• We never have to child-proof our home.
  

• We save money on Mother's Day and Father's Day.
  

• We stand much less chance of being drooled, peed, pooped or thrown-up on.
  

• We can actually converse about other subjects besides preschool or potty training.
  

• We don't have to replace our wardrobes every 3 months because we've outgrown everything.
  

• The only snotty nose either of us will ever have to wipe is our own.
  

• We never have to beat ourselves up about what crappy parents we are.
  

• We don't have to double-check with a school schedule before agreeing to attend an event.
  

• We can fool around anywhere we want, and the only person who might walk in on us is the cat.
  

• We can be spontaneous, taking advantage of opportunities that pop up at the last minute.
  

• We are less likely to get divorced (according to the American Sociological Association.)
  

• We can live in a hip, cool neighborhood in a crappy school district.
  

• We don't have to carry an extra change of underwear with us everywhere we go.
  

• We won't ever be embarrassed by an immediate relative pulling out his wee-wee in public.
  

• We can move swiftly and easily through crowds, without a stroller to push or kids in tow.
  

• We can actually carry on an adult conversation without being interrupted.
  

• We never have to engage in those parental behaviors that we swore we would never repeat.
  

• We can change our minds and our plans at a moment's notice -- without affecting anyone else.
  

• We can use the restroom without a small house-ape barging in and violating our privacy.
  

• We can drive for hours at a time without hearing the words, "Are we there yet?"
  

• We don't have to worry about someone inadvertently deleting every file off our computers.
  

• We can live in a smaller house just as comfortably.
  

• We don't have to waste our days off taking care of sick children.

• We live in a neat, tidy, and organized house -- uncluttered by "kidcrap."
  

• We can focus on the real meaning of Christmas, rather than whether we bought enough presents.
  

• You will never see one of those annoying "baby on board" signs hanging from our car window.
  

• Nothing that we own is coated in a sticky, unidentifiable substance.
  

• We are less likely to end up in a car accident, trying to calm unruly children in the backseat.
  

• We don't have to watch our language in our own home.
  

• We can take long vacations during the school year.
  

• No one in our house is ever going to accidentally flood the bathroom or set fire to the kitchen.
  

• We achieve  sense of self worth from our own accomplishments, not someone else's.
  

• We will never have to worry about completing homework (ours or anyone else's) ever again.
  

• It's easier to maintain a youthful and energetic outlook on life, rather than growing old and cranky.

• We will never have to deal with morning sickness or postpartum depression.
  

• When we sit down to work, we can focus on the task at hand and actually complete a project.

• We could join the Peace Corps tomorrow and no one would be inconvenienced by our absence.

• We don't always have to worry about setting a good example -- we can relax and be ourselves.
  

• We don't have to eat frosted cereals, fruit roll-ups, or spaghetti-o's.
  

• If something gets broken in our house, we don't have to play the "I don't know" game.
  

• We will not be forced to go into debt in order to provide our kids with a good education.
  

• We get to sleep straight through until morning without interruption, every night.
  

• We don't have to immediately relocate the minute a sex offender moves into the neighborhood.
  

• We never have to buy a car seat, crib, stroller, or Talking Elmo doll.
  

• Our days end peacefully, with a book and a glass of wine (rather than a screaming-and-crying fit.)
  

• We can eat whatever we want, whenever we want.
  

• I will never have to wear maternity clothes.
  

• We can actually afford to put money away in savings for our future.
  

• We can vacation in exotic locations, instead of always going to Disney World.
  

• We will never be saddled with an illegitimate grandchild.
  

• In our lifetime, we will consume less than 1/3 the natural resources of a family with children.
  

• We can eat at funky ethnic restaurants without worrying about whether they have a kid's menu.
  

• No one will ever blame us for how badly their lives turned out.
  

• We don't have to own an alarm clock.
  

• A monthly DepoProvera shot is much less painful than childbirth.
  

• We can go out for the day without packing a suitcase full of childcare supplies.
  

• We will never inadvertently forget our child at a shopping mall or amusement park.
  

• Our cats can have the run of the house, without fear of having their tail or ears pulled.
  

• We never have to be involved in the potty training process as anything but a spectator.
  

• We are done paying for college tuition -- forever.
  

• We can go out on a Saturday night without worrying about finding a babysitter.

• Our day is rarely interrupted by someone who needs to take a nap.

• I will never again end up with a concussion because of being hit in the head with a car seat (this happened to me during my internship at a child abuse prevention agency in college!)