Your Kids Are Not A Narcotic

It's expected that parents will love their children -- in fact, society assumes that something is fundamentally wrong with those who don't. But some folks have developed an unhealthy obsession with their kids. I certainly believe that if you're going to have them, they should be the major focus of your life. However, when you can't think of anything else, talk about anything else, or be away from your little darling for even a few minutes without breaking into a panicky sweat, you've got a problem!

Webster's defines the word "obsession" as "the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, or desire." I'm certain that when your kids are "new" it's entirely natural for them to overtake your thoughts. Any new toy is going to occupy your mind to an unreasonable degree (why I myself was entirely unable to keep my hands off my cats when they were kittens -- it was completely out of my control!) However, at some point, the newness is supposed to wear off, allowing you to return to a more normal and balanced way of thinking.

And of course, some of the fascination with a newborn is hormonal. The female body releases some powerful chemicals during childbirth designed to create a positive emotional attachment between mother and child -- chief among them, the "bonding" neurotransmitter oxytocin, and a flood of endorphins which affect the body like an opiate. It's this biological connection that lays the groundwork for a lasting relationship down the road. It also serves a strictly evolutionary purpose -- when a parent feels protective and nurturing toward its offspring, it will do whatever is necessary to protect its progeny, giving the baby a better chance of survival. It's hard to think rationally when you're in the midst of a chemical high -- so I'm going to cut the parents of newborns some slack. But if your child is 8 or 9 and you still can't find anything else to fill your life, it's time to admit that you need help!

A 12-Step Program For Parents

Unfortunately, a large number of parents seem to lose all perspective once they reproduce -- it's as if they become incapable of having any other life outside of their children. People who were at least mildly interesting when they were unburdened with offspring now lose all capacity for meaningful human interaction. They only socialize with other parents, their primary activities are play dates or school functions, and good luck carrying on a conversation with them about anything besides preschool or potty training. Of course I don't mean everyone (I have plenty of even-keeled friends with kids), but you know who you are!

It's always dangerous when lonely people breed, because they form a dysfunctional attachment to their kids. I'm talking about folks who don't have any significant adult relationships, get little satisfaction from their jobs, and have few hobbies or diversions. These poor souls end up using their children to fill a hole in their lives -- treating them as an emotional crutch, a way to give an otherwise hollow existence meaning. My sister is a perfect example. When my nephew was born, she said, "Finally, something that is completely mine." I think she would have done better with a pet than a kid! Now he's in his 30's and she's still acting as if he belongs to her (although I'm certain that his fiancee disagrees!) My sister has spent the last 3 1/2 decades smothering her son, and his life has suffered greatly for it (I won't go into the details -- I'm probably already in trouble for airing family laundry!) Suffice it to say that his life would have been very different (and possibly better) if she had let him be his own person instead of trying to turn him into an appendage.

It's unfair to burden your kids with this kind of weight, to make them responsible for your happiness. One of two things will happen when your sense of self-worth is tied to your child's accomplishments -- either the child will resent you and rebel, or he will spend his life trying to please you, never succeed, and start to question his own value as a human being. I consider both situations tantamount to emotional and mental abuse. Part of your responsibility as a parent is to be a role model, showing your kids what a self-actualized life looks like. If you can't do that, you are engaging in neglect, and you don't need to have a child in the first place. And it's not healthy for you either. This is why so many "empty-nesters" can't make the transition back into grown-up life -- because they don't know what that concept means.

But I do also believe in reformation -- parents who have crossed the line should be allowed a chance to change their ways. So I would like to suggest a 12-step recovery program (based on the one offered by A.A.) for "kidaholics:"

• admit that your life has become unmanageable under this kid-addiction
• believe that a power greater than yourself (a sense of perspective) can restore your sanity
• commit to turning your life over to reason and logical thinking
• make a searching and fearless moral inventory of your parenting skills
• admit the exact nature of your wrongs against your children and yourself
• be prepared to replace these defects of character with self-fulfillment
• ask to have your shortcomings removed and substitute them with personal accomplishments
• make a list of all persons that you have harmed (with your kids at the top of the list)
  
• promptly admit to all those times when you treated your children wrongly
  
• make direct amends to your kids wherever possible
• pray to improve your conscious understanding of what it means to be a truly responsible parent
• having a spiritual awakening, carry this message to other parents whose children are suffering
  

A Dose Of Reality

For those of you who are still just a wee bit too enamored of your little ones, I have no other choice but to leave you with some sage advice from the great George Carlin (also known as "Mr. Conductor"):

"I know that you aren't gonna like this, but somebody's gotta tell you for your own good: your children are overrated and overvalued, and you've turned them into little cult objects. You have a child fetish, and it's not healthy. What I'm talking about is this neurotic fixation that suggests that somehow everything, EVERYTHING, has to revolve around the lives of children. It's completely out of balance. Listen, there are a couple of things about kids you have to remember. First of all, they're not all cute. In fact, if you look at 'em real close, most of them are rather unpleasant looking. And a lot of them don't smell too good either. The little ones in particular seem to have a kind of urine and sour-milk combination that I don't care for at all. Second, premise: not all children are smart and clever. Got that? Kids are like any other group of people: a few winners, a whole lot of losers!"

Truly, I couldn't say it any better. Your kids are just people like everyone else, no better, and hardly worth being worshiped like gods.